Humility...

Humbly approaching the cross is something that has been on my mind lately.  This weekend I finished Galations and read Ephesians....both have amazing lessons about being crucified with Christ and its not us living, but Christ living in us... being rooted in Christ's love and approaching Him with peace and confidence....
Lately I've been struggling with deep sadness and just feeling alone.  My parents are recently divorced, both currently in serious relationships and I find myself lying awake at night thinking....2 years ago I was a senior in high school, I was happy, (I thought) my parents were happy, and now my life is completely different... Although when I first found out my parents were getting a divorce I was in this place of complete shock and insecurity.  Christ totally met me there and saved me...and I am now- forever His.
But lately I've been struggling with juggling my parents significant others...I  have this fear that I'm not good enough for them- but I keep on putting on this face that their boyfriend/girlfriend needs to prove themselves to me- Its exhausting and fake and I hate it.  I hate the judgement that I have in my heart, I hate the anger I still feel towards my parents...I hate the deep rooted pain I feel in my heart that  too scared to uncover, too scared to unfold- for fear that it will overwhelm me and if I try to remove it I will be removing a part of me.  I've felt lately just going to class and hanging out with friends and acting like being in the United States is good enough for me...that my parents are okay....that I'm doing great and that I love being in college and that everything is okay...its a lie and I'm exhausted.
 I listened to a pod-cast of a sermon given at my church this past weekend about trusting God.  The man that gave this sermon is blind and has a degenerative disease that has taken his sight over the course of his life.  He challenged the congregation to stop wallowing in their trials and struggles and look at them as blessings...search for what God is teaching you through that hard time and praise God.
He made a really cool comment, he said, "God doesn't show us our whole path for life, He takes us step by step because He wants to be in relationship with us and honestly- if we knew the path God is going lead us on then we wouldn't need him..."
The fact of needing God is something I always "knew was the right thing to feel"....we need God- duhh you hear that all the time...  But how often have I lived my life in surrender, in complete humility where I am constantly on my knees relying on God's strength...on His timing...on His understanding...on His peace.
I wish I could say that I'm at this place where I'm in complete surrender in front of my Savior.  But I am slowly opening up my hands and allowing my Father to take my burdens, my pain, my anger, my brokeness...
Praise God that He desires to heal us and make us whole again.  Praise Him for giving us everything- His Son who is victorious over all the pain and depression we feel.  Jesus has already defeated those things and the Lord will bring me through, in His timing...I just need to trust.

This is Me...starting a new season.

    I'm hoping that this experience is a freeing one...this summer I went on a two month mission trip to Cochabamba, Bolivia with 7 other amazing girls.  I went through Adventures in Missions and we were required to write at least one blog a week and I was really excited about that opportunity because I love to talk and especially hash out my feelings about what Christ is teaching me.
   Coming back to the States after living in a foreign country I was warned will be 'one of the toughest things I've ever faced...'  This statement has proven true, but looking back over these past 2 years of my life and the struggles my family has gone through, this transition is seeming small in comparison to those struggles.
   In Bolivia I wrote about the main thing Christ taught me that week and I'm hoping to do the same for this blog.  My hope (and maybe this is a naive thought) is that this blog can be an encouragement to someone out there...  That although we face struggles and pain- that Christ is sovereign, and we are His children.  He created us and He loves us...He sees our heart and our pain and His unconditional love covers a multitude of things.






"We can now say with confidence: The Lord is my helper...I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:6