I have a blog?

I honestly forgot I had a blog.... I was reading a friend's new post and I thought- wait I have one of these too.  I just re-read my last two blogs and it was strange to read posts from so long ago.  A little less then a year ago I was on the cusp of a beautiful, yet scary adventure.  I remember having this internal battle in The Hague last summer, wanting to put words and pictures to my experience- but not being able to.  Words felt cheap in comparison to what Christ was doing in my soul.  My tears were abundant and they represented the washing, a cleansing of some deep wounds.
I found out a lot about myself this past summer, I realized I always liked to have the answer.  I think most people do, there is a safety in knowing whats going to happen, who you're going to meet, whats going on inside of you.  This also translated to my art, I wanted it to tell a story, an emotion- but I wanted it to have closure- I wanted the viewer to feel satisfied and have an easy grasp when they walked away.  That's safe, but its also fearful.
 I read over some of my old blog posts and at the time, they were what I needed.  An online journal where I could share and connect with people and feel like there was purpose to my pain.  I sometimes read back over them and feel embarrassed.  They feel like an over-share... self-indulgent- sharing your deepest fears, feelings, complaints, emotions.  Does that matter?  To me, to my story....yes.  To the world-wide web....probably not.
This summer I wasn't at a place to share, I couldn't describe all the changes and emotions going on inside of me, and if I could- it didn't feel appropriate to post them on the internet.  I realized some things are sacred, some things are for you and God.  Some moments are not meant to be captured on a camera, tweeted, or posted on facebook.  That was a relief,  I felt like I could breathe.  I could really rest in the moment and not feel the pressure to share- an edited version of my life.
But at the same time there is something appealing to blogs and to sharing. To reading someone's heart on a web page. To having an online journal.

7 months later, I have a couple words to share about my summer abroad.

I found life in The Netherlands.  How romantic, right?  I felt like I could breathe again peddling down a bike path near our house.  I gained independence taking public transportation and working at Crossroads Church.  I found peace taking afternoon naps in the Overbosch park, sketching the trees and fingering the blades of green grass.  I experienced joy while making dinner with new friends.  I gained support and family over home-cooked dinners and Alias episodes.  I gained vulnerability and safety on a park bench looking over a grassy meadow.  I dealt with pain lying in my bed at night.  I gained perspective on art, beauty, and grace.

I was given an invitation to live my life and to feast at the table....and I took it.