I have a blog?

I honestly forgot I had a blog.... I was reading a friend's new post and I thought- wait I have one of these too.  I just re-read my last two blogs and it was strange to read posts from so long ago.  A little less then a year ago I was on the cusp of a beautiful, yet scary adventure.  I remember having this internal battle in The Hague last summer, wanting to put words and pictures to my experience- but not being able to.  Words felt cheap in comparison to what Christ was doing in my soul.  My tears were abundant and they represented the washing, a cleansing of some deep wounds.
I found out a lot about myself this past summer, I realized I always liked to have the answer.  I think most people do, there is a safety in knowing whats going to happen, who you're going to meet, whats going on inside of you.  This also translated to my art, I wanted it to tell a story, an emotion- but I wanted it to have closure- I wanted the viewer to feel satisfied and have an easy grasp when they walked away.  That's safe, but its also fearful.
 I read over some of my old blog posts and at the time, they were what I needed.  An online journal where I could share and connect with people and feel like there was purpose to my pain.  I sometimes read back over them and feel embarrassed.  They feel like an over-share... self-indulgent- sharing your deepest fears, feelings, complaints, emotions.  Does that matter?  To me, to my story....yes.  To the world-wide web....probably not.
This summer I wasn't at a place to share, I couldn't describe all the changes and emotions going on inside of me, and if I could- it didn't feel appropriate to post them on the internet.  I realized some things are sacred, some things are for you and God.  Some moments are not meant to be captured on a camera, tweeted, or posted on facebook.  That was a relief,  I felt like I could breathe.  I could really rest in the moment and not feel the pressure to share- an edited version of my life.
But at the same time there is something appealing to blogs and to sharing. To reading someone's heart on a web page. To having an online journal.

7 months later, I have a couple words to share about my summer abroad.

I found life in The Netherlands.  How romantic, right?  I felt like I could breathe again peddling down a bike path near our house.  I gained independence taking public transportation and working at Crossroads Church.  I found peace taking afternoon naps in the Overbosch park, sketching the trees and fingering the blades of green grass.  I experienced joy while making dinner with new friends.  I gained support and family over home-cooked dinners and Alias episodes.  I gained vulnerability and safety on a park bench looking over a grassy meadow.  I dealt with pain lying in my bed at night.  I gained perspective on art, beauty, and grace.

I was given an invitation to live my life and to feast at the table....and I took it.

liberating

I've been thinking a lot about freedom lately and being freed from the bondage we put ourselves in.  I always try to come up with a formula... if you pray this one way or you do a certain number of steps and then POOF you will be alleviated from all your hurt, your pain, and your fear.  Fortunately, life and relationship with God is not that bland.  But sometimes the pain or confusion is so deep that you want a formula, you want a law to make it easier, but Christ is complex and relationship with Him is deep and requires radical trust.  I think that when we try to simplify God and his plan or the way he works we are taking away His beauty and we are taking away the depth we are called into.

Since being here in The Hague I've been given a lot of opportunities to explore and do things on my own.  This is a huge step in faith and boldness for me, I've always been afraid to mess up or do something wrong so these experiences of conquering those fears has been liberating.

Today I took the tram downtown and shopped and walked around for a couple hours.  I was praying on the tram on the way downtown and I felt so much freedom being present in that moment and believing that Christ in me is enough.

Being still and present in these moments has been chain breaking...  Being able to walk around downtown and shop and interact and enjoy being by myself.
God is so good.

Every Thursday night the shops stay open later downtown. This past thursday Heather walked around and got drinks, it has been one of my favorite nights so far!

woah...where am I?

As I was sitting in my seat on my red-eye flight to London and the front wheels of my plane started to peel off the runway at RDU, I thought to myself....this is really happening....

Then when I had to duck tail to get to my connecting flight to Amsterdam and I practically ran on the plane dripping sweat, and awkwardly squeezed in between two very tall business men....I thought- this is really happening.

Finally, as I went through customs in Amsterdam and the officer spoke to me in Dutch, I thought....woah...woah...this is really happening.

I arrived in Amsterdam yesterday morning at 10:30am, (4:30am Raleigh time) and Heather picked me up at the airport.  The whole time as we were walking to the car and driving on the highway and arriving at their house I just couldn't believe that I actually went through with this.  After having grace-filled and emotional talks with Heather this morning, I just realized what a fantastic opportunity this is and what unbelievable freedom I have here.

This past year (if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know it) was difficult and pretty much sucky.  I've never experienced deep depression like that before where for a while it felt like there would be no relief.  I remember telling someone that I just want to go to sleep and wake up 3 years from now when all the pain was gone and I would feel truly alive again.
  God in His ultimate grace was by my side the whole time but it was a hard season.  I realized that I had booted my body and mind and spirit into this "survival mode" where I had to be for most of this year to get the daily tasks accomplished.  But coming here and not being around my typical environment and my typical people or language, I checked out of survival mode and am now finally having an oppurtunity to really unpack my year....which is a wonderful but sometimes painful task.

One hard relization I always have when I travel is that life doesn't stop.  I don't become a different person outside the US, me and God are on the same page as we were 72 hours ago back in Raleigh.  I can't and don't want to escape from myself in travel, I want to explore and discover new sides of Christ and myself here.  Take the time to read books and be still and quiet.  To meet new beautiful people and share life in a different culture. 

Heather gave me a good tip- to celebrate the small victories whenever you conquer something new in a new culture.
So  here are some of my victories:
I flew by myself for the first time in my life....international with multiple security check points= victory!!
Tonight Heath and I rode our bikes to the shopping center near their house= victory: I didn't get hit by a car... yay!)
I bought a shirt from H&M (nothing new there) but the lady spoke in complete Dutch (which I don't know if you've heard it but its guttural and nothing like I've ever heard before)= victory
I met some of Bella's and Heather's friends today at Bella's school= so not much of a victory but a blessing for sure.

I'm so grateful to be here and experience life here.  Its such a priveledge and I'm excited to see what God stews up this summer with relationships, revelations, and some good ole fashioned Jesus lovin'.

here are some random things about The Hague I've gathered so far:
-Lots of heathly people here = they ride their bikes everywhere! I mean everywhere...its intense but really awesome.
-I love my room at the Hancock's its so wonderful to have my own little space to relax and hang out with God. Here's a pic

It has this huge window and a door that opens and the weather is so wonderful here (60's and 70's)...I absolutely love it!

another crazy thing: it stays so light here so late! here's a pic outside my room at like 10:15pm-ish

Also the Dutch love their dogs- you'll see them carrying them in the grocery store, the cafes, the shopping centers- so funny!

So those are some small things I've noticed since being here...can't wait to share more!

God is so faithful.

"lack of confidence"

Last night I watched the movie, Eat Pray Love and I was inspired.  I was inspired not by the amazing food she ate in Italy, or the praying she did in India, or the romance she found in Bali...I was inspired by the relationships she made along the way.  After the movie I was praying about my summer; I have the priveledge of having my own mini version of eat pray love...sort of... I am going to live with some family friends for 2 months in The Netherlands, then at the end of the summer I'll spend a week with my mom and grandma in Paris, and then we'll travel down to Nice, France for a week before school starts.
As I was talking to God about my summer and all the possiblities, I got really honest and said..."I'm scared"
In that moment of honesty I felt the peace of God sweep over me as it always does and in His Fatherly manner, Christ allowed me to open my heart about this summer.  He kept on reminding me, "For I know the plans I have you for..."

Hannah and me in The Hague

Later when I was reading my bible I started 2 Timothy and I was struck by a familiar verse, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love, of self disicipline." I looked down in the notes on verse 7 to see if it would shed any light on my feelings of timidity for the summer and this is all that it said- "Appartently lack of confidence was a serious problem for Timothy."

All I could do was laugh and think, "join the club Tim"

But then I was thinking about identity and about strength in our identity, which is really strength in the Lord and intimacy with Him.  I was thinking about how that strength encourages others to be strong in their identity. This reminded me of a quote a friend gave me my senior year of high school on a mission trip in Jamaica.

 In Paris this past January

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”- Nelson Mandela 

I'm excited about my summer, I'm excited about the possibilities and relationships I'll make. I'm excited to get to know Christ better, I'm excited to be bold and independent and live out of Christ's abundance. 

What I've realized is that Christ didn't create us to be weak weirdos who don't live life.  He created us to be strong, self disciplined, and full of love.
God is good. 

unfathomable love.

I have these moments of intense emotion, where I get a glimpse of the extravagant love of our heavenly Father and it literally takes my breath away. 
My week has been stressful and I have a tendency when I feel stressed, anxious, and fearful to keep God at an arms length.  When the whole time, I know my heavenly Father is looking at me and saying, "let me love you."
Today I came back to my dorm room burned by this week, sleepless nights, crappy test grades, bad attitudes, and feelings of low value.  I layed on the floor in my dorm room and just began to call out to God.  When we allow Him, he orchestrates our time together so perfectly.  It just so happened that I was listening to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW7CD29V4tU&feature=feedrec_grec_index
and my heart began to overflow with emotion and desperation...all the feelings, time, heart ache, stress, anxiety I had been feeling all week that I had kept from Him came flooding out.  As I was listening to this song I was overwhelmed by God's grace. 
I have these moments where I realize the weight and pevertedness of my sin and how my sin peverts the name of Jesus.....but a lot of times I sit in a place of self-condemnation instead of worshiping God for his merciful grace.

I let this song rush over me and the words filled my soul.
I opened my Bible and felt the need to read Hosea, listen to the words of the Lord and reflect on His great mercy and love:

"She has not acknowleged that I was the one who gave her grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold which they used for Baal." (hosea 2:8)
"She decked herself with rings and jewelry and went after her lovers but me she forgot" declares the Lord.  "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.  There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of HOPE." (hosea 2:13-15)
"I will show my love to the one I called, 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called, 'Not my people, 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' (hosea 2:23)

as fallen humans we do a fantastic job of putting walls between our hearts and the Lord...whether its fear, stress, school, friends, relationships, status, body image, insecurities.... But know that your Father in Heaven is looking at you saying, "Let me love you...let me heal you...allow me to change your life"

I want more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NlJr6TE7b4&feature=player_embedded

I encourage you guys to listen to this while you read my simple thoughts...

I was at the prayer house tonight and I was just thinking about how I've lived my life....scared. Fearful of what I lack...fearful of what I could be. So this is me, stuck in this weird, awkward place where there is no movement. I think a lot of us are like that- we love God, but we're scared.

I was thinking about my heart and how my fear derives from my orphan mentality.  I think we all in a way have an orphan mentality- the fact if we have a biological father on this earth or not is not the point.  I was thinking about my fears of not being protected or guarded, my fears of being exposed- not taken care of.   Not seen as valuable or precious, treasured, or nurtured. We all have our orphan-like thoughts.

I read this in ephesians:

"For he CHOSE US in him before the creation of the world to be HOLY and BLAMELESS in his sight.  In love he predestined us to be ADOPTED as his sons(and daughters) through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has FREELY given us in the One he loves.  In him we have REPDEMPTION through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:4-8

In my Women's Studies class we are giving Identity Projects where we are required to stand in front of the class and talk about who we are....(mine is on Friday, I will post the video here on Friday!)

One of my classmates got up and talked about how he was shuffled through foster care for his entire childhood and how he never felt wanted.... my heart broke for this guy but at the same time it rejoiced that we are no longer desperate orphans who are seeking to fill their voids with anything of this world.  We are filled by the blood of Jesus! God has adopted us, we are not in foster care being tossed from adult to adult....we are chosen.  We are taken in.  We are His. Accept his grace, his mercy....accept his adoption.