body image.

Body image. So lately I've been watching 90210, starting with season 1 working my way up.  I've caught myself looking at these girls bodies and asking God the same thing I did in middle and high school- why does my body not look that way?  Why couldn't you've made me that way? Why am I shaped the way that I am?  Why am I never satisfied...

I am also doing a devotional every morning called, Daily steps for God Chicks....the author challenged us to stop hating what we see in the mirror....and our daily step for the day was to look at ourselves and tell ourselves that we're beautiful, when I did this I got extremely emotional- looking myself square in the face and saying- you are a beloved daughter of Christ, He created your body specifically the way it is, You, Rachel, are no mistake....You are stunning and magnificent.

A thought just crossed my mind.  God is the creator of everything, and I believe and know that He created all of us specifically and He made no mistakes.  I think about when I make things, when I draw a piece, or paint on a canvas, or make a ring band out of brass, or etch a zinc plate and print it....I am proud and empowered by the fact that my hands and my heart made something.  I love whatever I made and I call it my own.

God does the same with us, He created us.  He made no mistakes, every part of our bodies and the way its shaped is purposeful and has significance.  I wonder how much it hurts God, when I look at myself in the mirror and am horrified.  How I critique my body in my head and physically manipulate my stomach in hopes that one day it will acutally lay flat.
My insides cringe at the thought of someone extremely intimately close to me, like my mom or my best friend- looking at one of my pieces of art work, something that I would classify as a masterpiece....and taking it and trying to change it.  Saying how its not good enough and they wished it looked like another one of my pieces or someone else's work.  It makes me sick, and all today I did these things.

God is such a beautiful artist, His work is breathe-taking....why do you think people try to capture images of landscapes or paint the delicacies of a woman's face.... God created all of that.  He is awesome and we critique him.  We covet other people's abilities, looks, styles.  That has to make God's insides cringe and his heart ache.

If anybody is reading this, then lets try something new this week....whenever we feel the enemy is creeping in and yelling lies into our heads saying- you're too fat, you need new clothes, you're a disappointment, your body is disgusting, count your calories and work out- then you'll feel more whole and your life will be better.... lets walk in the authority that Christ gave us to trample on snakes and throw out lies, lets think about God and his creation and worship him for every detail we usually pick at.

idols

The past two weeks the ministry I am involved in at ECU has done a series about Idols.  Both weeks have been super powerful and completely relevant to everyone's faith walk.  We all have idols, whether its something  like making your boyfriend your god or worrying about a test and not trusting God, they are all idols and we put things before God.
Last night the speaker talked about how one of the biggest and most common idol- is ourself.  Which is so freaking true.  We do things to get something for ourself.  We go to church, we get involved to get things out of it...for ourself.  This summer I found myself serving these orphans because I liked the way it felt to get attention from the kids, to get recognition from my teammates, to get pictures for my facebook album.  God  is so much bigger then us, His plan is so much greater then us.  We are so selfish in our motives and we idolize ourselves and our needs before the desires of God's heart and his plan.  We try to control God, tell him what the plan should be and when something goes wrong we get angry at God....
I find this in myself, in my day to day living...not trusting God and realizing that the course of my life is not what I planned.  I didn't plan for my parents to get a divorce.  I did not plan for my parents to be dating other people, I did not plan having to love more people and having two separate families. I did not plan that I would have to split up holidays and then get blamed with I didn't separate the time perfectly... I try to control, I try to manipulate...I'm looking out for me and my wants and how I want things to flow.
But God is bigger then me.  My God is bigger then lying, pain, wounds, disease, insecurities, anger, depression...My God  is bigger.
My God calls me to trust him, to cast my burdens on Him...He is a gentle and loving God. and we give Him this persona as this God who has abandoned us.  Guess who has put that thought in our minds? The enemy.  He creeps in and tells us that we're alone, that no one feels the way that we feel.  That isolation is the better option then talking to our community or even God.  The enemy makes us question where God is and if God even cares.

But here is some truth, because this past week for me has been hell, and when I've been hysterically sobbing in my car, calling out to God (literally) asking Him- where are you? Why am I so alone? Why don't you care?

This is what we MUST stand on:
Our God is greater then my understanding.
Our God calls us worthy and he sacrificed EVERYTHING so that we will never be alone.
Our God is sufficient, and us trying to control and manipulate will never satisfy us...we are not that good.
Our God loves unconditionally, despite our selfishness....He is there.
Our God desires you to be whole, and He is the only one that can make you that way.

I'm in need of some breakthrough...

I'm currently listening to the song, He Will Come By: Enter the Worship Circle and these lyrics resonate in my mind:

"Wait child, I'm in love with you
Its a solemn vow
I'll come back for you."

Sometimes I feel alone and just plain, dumb.  I don't know if there is any other word then dumb, which is so childish and immature.  I feel like I can do nothing right, I have judgmental eyes and a judgmental heart and I look at Christ's children with disgust rather then love and compassion.
I put other things above God, even things I hate like homework and gossip with friends.
So many things in this world seem dirty- like comparing your body to other girls on campus, like gossiping about a friend, thinking hateful and angry thoughts...etc.
But I feel like these dirty things are consuming my life.
Last night I was with some good friends and we sat around eating ice cream talking about a friend's ex-boyfriend....and somehow I justified it in my head.  I walked around campus with my size 8 jeans on and I was mortified I had to unbutton the top button and the whole time I was coveting other girls body shapes... I just sat in the dining hall and judged most of the people that I walked past.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?!!

I'm done with my heart being like this....I'm done-

Lord, Take these evil thoughts.
Lord, take the wickedness from my heart and my soul.  Rip out the sin and darkness in my heart, even if it hurts I don't want it anymore.
I want to love people and love you and somehow I get in the way of that every single day.
Lord, I am so imperfect and broken and ugly and I have this lack of faith that you can't redeem me from this...or you don't even want me anymore.
I feel like a failure at everything Lord.  Speak truth into my heart and cleanse me Father.
God, I can't do this anymore, I can't keep on putting up these walls and fronts that I have it all together.
Dad, please...help me.  Hold my hand and guide me. I love you and I want to serve you.
Humble me daddy....I need you. I can't do this on my own.
I love you, help me.
rachel

empower

This weekend I had the privilege of hanging out with my friend....we painted and listened to worship music and it was peaceful. I loved it.   As I was painting I realized...art understands me.  I told my friend this, which sounded dorky and dramatic when it came out, but it really does.  It calms me down, its creation, its gratifying, its beautiful, its empowering.  Whenever I feel upset or unworthy or overwhelmed, there is something about sitting in front of a canvas, a sketchbook, or in a metals studio cutting copper or in a printmaking studio etching a zinc plate- its beauty.

My mom has this pin that says, "Art saves me"... and I don't know if I completely say I agree with it... but I do believe that Christ used art to captivate me, to romance me, to make me fall in love with Him.