His strength, not our own.

  This week has been one of the hardest of my life.  My suppressed emotions came up violently and took it out on my body and my spirit, on top of the devil taking the opportunity to kick me while I'm down.  Sunday night I felt anxiety overwhelm me in a way it never has before.  Then I became fearful and fear tormented me all night.  I woke up Monday morning bruised and beaten and upset.  I heard the Lord say- call on your sisters, I put them in your life to help you.  I immediately called my mom and then my sister, asking them to be warriors for me and pray against the tricks of the evil one and to calm my distressed heart.  My mom said, get out of your room and look at the sky and feel the breeze and call on God, listen to Him- He wants to talk to you.
I took her advice and went outside and God gave me Psalm 34:4, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."  For the rest of Monday I had continuous breakdown after breakdown.  I called my friend from home, and being the selfless saint that she is, she drove up and spent the night with me at my sister's house.  That night, my sister and my friend Kristen were praying for me, and Kristen gave me the advice, to rely on my community and to rely on the sisters around me to fight for me right now when I can't fight for myself.  I couldn't sleep and I wasn't eating, I was in no spiritual or physical state to try to fight for anything.  I went to therapy on Tuesday morning and my therapist and I discovered that I am dealing with the mourning of my parent's divorce.  This past week it hit me in a real way, realizing that my mom and dad will never get back together again.
I recently watched "Its Complicated" and the scene where the kids walked in on their divorced parents in a room together and the dad saying, "your mother and I have been seeing  each other and I'm still in love with her" and the dad expecting the kids to be thrilled, they started crying.  The dad was shocked by their reaction and he asked why they weren't happy and the kids said-  "we're still not over your divorce." 
I just feel like everything is too much too soon.  And these emotions and hurts and pains rushed back hard and it hit my body physically in the form of a panic attack, insomnia, and fatigue.

This is what I've realized this week- I'm broken.  But God can take care of me and my hurts and pains.  I can rely on Him and His strength to fight the evil one. I got this vision two nights ago, before I fell asleep- of me in God's arms and He is cradling me; satan and his demons are trying to get to me, but God has me and in one fatal swoop, God crushed all the demons and their lies- and I was delivered- just like Psalm 34 said, He will deliver me.

I'm currently struggling from depression and anxiety.  But I'm calling on God for His strength, His power, His protection, His endurance.  Its time for me to stop trying to handle things on my own, its time to stop relying on my own strength to cast out evil things, its time to stop acting like I can handle my parents' divorce.

God will redeem me. I will be set free, I will be delivered.
Currently- God is walking with me in His arms, my arms wrapped around Him, my head cradled in the crook of His neck.  I breathe in and smell his Fatherly aroma and I am at peace.
My God is stronger then death, He is life.

His ways are not ours.

I've had awesome opportunities to share with people (specifically women) my revelation about God and his eternal never ending pursuing love.  Every time that I shared this find with someone, they totally connected to the thought of us chasing after something or someone and we feel as if no one is chasing after us.  Instilling the lie that the enemy places in our hearts from a young age that we are worthless and no one would ever want us.
   I was talking with my friend last night who has been struggling with an ex and how she keeps on pursuing a relationship because she desires that immediate satisfaction.  When she said that, it clicked. Immediate, fast, now, no waiting, no patience, that is what our society our world tells us.  That things need to happen fast or they're not worth it.  If we're alone, find someone fast...

God's timing isn't our timing....His ways are not our ways....

That thought echoes through my head, His ways are not my ways.  God is not a college student at ECU studying art who likes to watch 90210... God is not me, He created me, but He is above me! Sometimes I just think that God thinks the same way that I think and so I'm dumbfounded when His plans are not my plans.... ridiculous!
As a society we're told that everything needs to be fast, go, don't stop.  And if you pause for a second and rest- you're lazy, you need a job, you're alone.  What a lie! This summer in Bolivia the first two weeks our host didn't have that much ministry set up for us and so we had 5+ hours of free time, doing absolutely nothing.  The first week, we were all about to crawl out of our skin, we were cleaning, talking, playing games, going into town- doing absolutely everything we could to pass the time.  But the second week, we saw what God was doing.  He was creating time for us to spend with Him, time for us to rest in His presence to prepare us for our ministry to come in the following weeks.  I learned some valuable lessons and had some pretty intense revelations when I was quiet and sat in the presence of God.  Those lessons were needed in order to be His servant in the following weeks.

People- God has a plan.  He is working out everything for the good of his people.  He loves you and He is going to bless you.  He is not trying to screw with your plans- but its a good chance that they're not the same- but PRAISE GOD!
 If I had followed my plans from high school, I would be smoking pot at App State, gushing over this guy from high school who is dating one of my friends.  Praise the Lord that he captured my heart and had His own plans for my life!
Rest in His presence, take time- relax...God's got you.

wow...

So I'm laying in bed, just talking to God and having a real conversation and it started out like this....
me: "God you see my heart and you know my desires, I desire a relationship and intimacy with a man...a partner who loves me and wants me."
God: "I know my child be patient..."
And the conversation went on....but then I was talking about how I constantly feel that when I'm attracted to a guy, they're typically attracted to someone else.  My track record in high school isn't too great and now I'm struggling with that...yet again.
I was about to say to God, "I feel like Julia Roberts in my best friend's wedding....I'm chasing after the person who is chasing after their love and no one is chasing me."
and God totally said- Don't you think thats how I always am?
wow.
God is constantly pursuing us, even when we are chasing after things that aren't gratifying, redeeming, or satisfying like His love.
But unlike me or Julia Roberts....God doesn't give up.  He doesn't stop and say well he's just not right, I'll move on.  He pursues us and captures our hearts.
What a wonderful revelation, full of perspective about relationships and the intimacy we can have from our relationship with God.

Freedom.

Lately I've been having much needed breakthrough and revelations about God and His intoxicating love.  Things have been clicking, with my devotions, my thoughts, my therapy...its all coming together and God's truths are starting to be engraved on my heart.
I was talking to my dad recently that Jesus didn't come to condemn the world- he didn't come to tell the world they sucked, but He came to SAVE, to set FREE, to LOVE!  I was saying these things to my dad, but wasn't really believing them in my heart. I know these are truths, but I didn't feel it in my bones- it didn't shatter my life and make my stomach flip....until this week.
I was sitting in therapy and for a while now, my therapist has encouraged me to 'just be'.  I had first heard that phrase in Bolivia this summer when I would share my identity struggles with my sisters and they would encourage me to 'just be'. It sounds so simple, like the statement, "just be yourself"....who thought that would be so hard? But my friend Emily in Bolivia gave me this simple advice that clicked this week....she said, "don't try to be anything or anyone else, and you'll be yourself.  Settle for being nothing..."
This week I realized the best ministry that we could EVER do for the kingdom of God is being ourselves.  There is so much freedom in being who you are and how you feel.  Being present in the moment,  feeling clarity in your feelings and emotions.  Which for me is allowing myself to feel deeply and to feel the things I feel.  At the beginning of this school year I would find myself hysterically crying for no apparent reason and instead of being in the moment and letting myself cry, I criticized myself... telling myself- you shouldn't be crying, stop being so emotional, its too much.
One of the enemy's best tactics is whispering lies in our heads saying, "Rachel you should be a better person....Rachel you should go to church or your ministry more.....Rachel you shouldn't cuss....Rachel you should be more supportive."  But instead of focusing on God and his wonderful love, I've been focusing on myself and all my downfalls.
But here's some truth- We are made NEW in Christ...every single day we wake up and breathe.  God promises us that in His word.  I was under the impression that I was made new when I decided to live for Christ and got saved, but isn't it a daily decision to walk with Christ? Isn't it a daily decision to look for the holy and sacred moments? Isn't it a daily decision to seek intimacy with our Creator?  Everyday where start fresh, start new....
So take heart my friends! You're free- to be yourself! With no condemnation, feel how you feel! Be sad, be happy, laugh hysterically, cry until your head aches..live in the moment!
Walk in Freedom.

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." Galatians 5:1 The Message