This week has been one of the hardest of my life. My suppressed emotions came up violently and took it out on my body and my spirit, on top of the devil taking the opportunity to kick me while I'm down. Sunday night I felt anxiety overwhelm me in a way it never has before. Then I became fearful and fear tormented me all night. I woke up Monday morning bruised and beaten and upset. I heard the Lord say- call on your sisters, I put them in your life to help you. I immediately called my mom and then my sister, asking them to be warriors for me and pray against the tricks of the evil one and to calm my distressed heart. My mom said, get out of your room and look at the sky and feel the breeze and call on God, listen to Him- He wants to talk to you.
I took her advice and went outside and God gave me Psalm 34:4, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." For the rest of Monday I had continuous breakdown after breakdown. I called my friend from home, and being the selfless saint that she is, she drove up and spent the night with me at my sister's house. That night, my sister and my friend Kristen were praying for me, and Kristen gave me the advice, to rely on my community and to rely on the sisters around me to fight for me right now when I can't fight for myself. I couldn't sleep and I wasn't eating, I was in no spiritual or physical state to try to fight for anything. I went to therapy on Tuesday morning and my therapist and I discovered that I am dealing with the mourning of my parent's divorce. This past week it hit me in a real way, realizing that my mom and dad will never get back together again.
I recently watched "Its Complicated" and the scene where the kids walked in on their divorced parents in a room together and the dad saying, "your mother and I have been seeing each other and I'm still in love with her" and the dad expecting the kids to be thrilled, they started crying. The dad was shocked by their reaction and he asked why they weren't happy and the kids said- "we're still not over your divorce."
I just feel like everything is too much too soon. And these emotions and hurts and pains rushed back hard and it hit my body physically in the form of a panic attack, insomnia, and fatigue.
This is what I've realized this week- I'm broken. But God can take care of me and my hurts and pains. I can rely on Him and His strength to fight the evil one. I got this vision two nights ago, before I fell asleep- of me in God's arms and He is cradling me; satan and his demons are trying to get to me, but God has me and in one fatal swoop, God crushed all the demons and their lies- and I was delivered- just like Psalm 34 said, He will deliver me.
I'm currently struggling from depression and anxiety. But I'm calling on God for His strength, His power, His protection, His endurance. Its time for me to stop trying to handle things on my own, its time to stop relying on my own strength to cast out evil things, its time to stop acting like I can handle my parents' divorce.
God will redeem me. I will be set free, I will be delivered.
Currently- God is walking with me in His arms, my arms wrapped around Him, my head cradled in the crook of His neck. I breathe in and smell his Fatherly aroma and I am at peace.
My God is stronger then death, He is life.
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