What a powerful phrase....you are not alone.
This past week through therapy, prayer, and meditation in the Word I realized I have this deep fear of abandonment. I feel alone a lot of the time (don't we all). I realized that through the pain I feel from my parents divorce, I feel abandoned. My parents both make an effort and neither of them have walked out of my life by any means, I still have a great relationship with both of them.
But in my spirit, the emotional and physical act of my parents splitting up and my family separating- hurt me in such a deep way, I don't think I can explain it fully on a blog or even if I know the capacity of pain I feel.
I realized that I also draw connections between my God and my relationships on earth. I have this notion that God will not protect me, that he hasn't been here through all this pain, and that He has abandoned me.
Two weekends ago it was prophesied over me that God was going to completely reconstruct the way I think about Him- through his Word and letting that really change my heart, instead of it going in one ear and out the other.
This life is process- the love of God is complex. I think that we simplify Him to meet our standards and then we're disappointed in Him because when real shit hits the fan we think He's not there. I believe that a relationship is complex and beautiful and multi-layered and real. Its not religion, its a relationship. You spend time talking, you go on adventures together, you mark specific time to rest together, you set aside time to listen to music together, ( for me specifically) I set aside time to paint and draw and worship with God. Its time....
My sociology teacher was talking about how if we simplify our lives- its simplified just down to time. That our lives are made of decisions and events and moments that happen in time- when you're born, going through school, finding a partner, marriage, children, sex, laughter, crying, depression- everything is encompassed in time.
What are we doing with our lives if all of our time is not dedicated to the Lord? He created us, not for us to be lords of our own lives- but He knows (much better then we do) that when we surrender everything to Him, that He gives freedom, full life.
I don't mean to preach or sound like I have all these tasks or thoughts put together and that I live them out everyday... Simply writing this blog convicts me- but we need to stop being walking insomniacs and really dedicate our time, our thoughts, our prayers to the Lord. He's all we got- everything. Everything could potentially fall away, could you survive on what you're investing your time in now?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
why fear?
Over break my mom, sister, and I traveled overseas and spent some time in London, The Netherlands, and Paris. I saw this time as a time of restoration and just a vacation from life. Honestly, I was planning on a vacation from God too. But the second I got off the plane I knew God was working on me with identity again.
Identity has been a painful lesson over the past year. In Bolivia God did some healing of some deep wounds I had acquired over my 19 years in the identity category. I thought I was done when I got back into the States but much to my knowing, you're never done being edified, healed, and restored (and thank God for it!)
God in His infinite mercy and grace revealed to me in Europe that fear has been a stronghold in my life, since I was born. I honestly think that was the darkness I was born into. Fear has played so much in my life and its honestly overwhelming to think about all the areas it invades.
For example, I never did the typical high school/college sin- drink excessively, have sex, do drugs....because I was too insecure and fearful I would do something wrong, make a fool of myself, or not be accepted. I believed in all my relationships with guys that I wasn't good enough and I was so fearful that they wouldn't see value in me- these poor high school guys that I put so much pressure on to fill my intense voids.
That is a small list of the way fear has dictated my life for so long. Just recently I've experienced fear on a spiritual level, recognizing spiritual warfare and thats where I hit my limit.
I realized through coming to know Christ better and being opened to a new spiritual realm that I'm not suppose to live in this constant fear. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of someone looking at me and saying- you're just not good enough, fear of being a mistake, fear of disappointing God, fear that I will live a perfectly simple and safe life because I was too scared to take risks.
As you can see, God has been revealing so much to me about this fear and I'm DONE! I've talked to a lot of friends and family and I've gotten prayer. I've seeked in the Word and it plainly says: "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity or fear, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE." (2 Tim 1:7) and sometimes I get overwhelmed with this and think okay what do I have to do in order to not live a life dictated by fear? I can't do anything, but I need to trust God and depend on Him to mold me, shape me, help me to let go of this fear I've been living in and to make me into the person He created me to be.
As for fear this is no reason for it- Man may take my life, but they can't take my soul or salvation and satan has no hold on me, because he is of darkness and I'm a child of Christ- and the light God's given me shines out all darkness.
"because God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence, "This Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6
I've decided to make 2011 a year of freedom...this is a picture in London, this is how I always want to live my life- in complete surrender.
Identity has been a painful lesson over the past year. In Bolivia God did some healing of some deep wounds I had acquired over my 19 years in the identity category. I thought I was done when I got back into the States but much to my knowing, you're never done being edified, healed, and restored (and thank God for it!)
God in His infinite mercy and grace revealed to me in Europe that fear has been a stronghold in my life, since I was born. I honestly think that was the darkness I was born into. Fear has played so much in my life and its honestly overwhelming to think about all the areas it invades.
For example, I never did the typical high school/college sin- drink excessively, have sex, do drugs....because I was too insecure and fearful I would do something wrong, make a fool of myself, or not be accepted. I believed in all my relationships with guys that I wasn't good enough and I was so fearful that they wouldn't see value in me- these poor high school guys that I put so much pressure on to fill my intense voids.
That is a small list of the way fear has dictated my life for so long. Just recently I've experienced fear on a spiritual level, recognizing spiritual warfare and thats where I hit my limit.
I realized through coming to know Christ better and being opened to a new spiritual realm that I'm not suppose to live in this constant fear. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of someone looking at me and saying- you're just not good enough, fear of being a mistake, fear of disappointing God, fear that I will live a perfectly simple and safe life because I was too scared to take risks.
As you can see, God has been revealing so much to me about this fear and I'm DONE! I've talked to a lot of friends and family and I've gotten prayer. I've seeked in the Word and it plainly says: "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity or fear, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE." (2 Tim 1:7) and sometimes I get overwhelmed with this and think okay what do I have to do in order to not live a life dictated by fear? I can't do anything, but I need to trust God and depend on Him to mold me, shape me, help me to let go of this fear I've been living in and to make me into the person He created me to be.
As for fear this is no reason for it- Man may take my life, but they can't take my soul or salvation and satan has no hold on me, because he is of darkness and I'm a child of Christ- and the light God's given me shines out all darkness.
"because God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence, "This Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6
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