you are not alone.

What a powerful phrase....you are not alone.
This past week through therapy, prayer, and meditation in the Word I realized I have this deep fear of abandonment.  I feel alone a lot of the time (don't we all).  I realized that through the pain I feel from my parents divorce, I feel abandoned.  My parents both make an effort and neither of them have walked out of my life by any means, I still have a great relationship with both of them.
But in my spirit, the emotional and physical act of my parents splitting up and my family separating- hurt me in such a deep way, I don't think I can explain it fully on a blog or even if I know the capacity of pain I feel.
I realized that I also draw connections between my God and my relationships on earth.  I have this notion that God will not protect me, that he hasn't been here through all this pain, and that He has abandoned me.
Two weekends ago it was prophesied over me that God was going to completely reconstruct the way I think about Him- through his Word and letting that really change my heart, instead of it going in one ear and out the other.

This life is process- the love of God is complex.  I think that we simplify Him to meet our standards and then we're disappointed in Him because when real shit hits the fan we think He's not there.  I believe that a relationship is complex and beautiful and multi-layered and real.  Its not religion, its a relationship.  You spend time talking, you go on adventures together, you mark specific time to rest together, you set aside time to listen to music together, ( for me specifically) I set aside time to paint and draw and worship with God.  Its time....
My sociology teacher was talking about how if we simplify our lives- its simplified just down to time.  That our lives are made of decisions and events and moments that happen in time- when you're born, going through school, finding a partner, marriage, children, sex, laughter, crying, depression- everything is encompassed in time.
What are we doing with our lives if all of our time is not dedicated to the Lord? He created us, not for us to be lords of our own lives- but He knows (much better then we do) that when we surrender everything to Him, that He gives freedom, full life.

I don't mean to preach or sound like I have all these tasks or thoughts put together and that I live them out everyday... Simply writing this blog convicts me- but we need to stop being walking insomniacs and really dedicate our time, our thoughts, our prayers to the Lord.  He's all we got- everything.  Everything could potentially fall away, could you survive on what you're investing your time in now?