liberating

I've been thinking a lot about freedom lately and being freed from the bondage we put ourselves in.  I always try to come up with a formula... if you pray this one way or you do a certain number of steps and then POOF you will be alleviated from all your hurt, your pain, and your fear.  Fortunately, life and relationship with God is not that bland.  But sometimes the pain or confusion is so deep that you want a formula, you want a law to make it easier, but Christ is complex and relationship with Him is deep and requires radical trust.  I think that when we try to simplify God and his plan or the way he works we are taking away His beauty and we are taking away the depth we are called into.

Since being here in The Hague I've been given a lot of opportunities to explore and do things on my own.  This is a huge step in faith and boldness for me, I've always been afraid to mess up or do something wrong so these experiences of conquering those fears has been liberating.

Today I took the tram downtown and shopped and walked around for a couple hours.  I was praying on the tram on the way downtown and I felt so much freedom being present in that moment and believing that Christ in me is enough.

Being still and present in these moments has been chain breaking...  Being able to walk around downtown and shop and interact and enjoy being by myself.
God is so good.

Every Thursday night the shops stay open later downtown. This past thursday Heather walked around and got drinks, it has been one of my favorite nights so far!

woah...where am I?

As I was sitting in my seat on my red-eye flight to London and the front wheels of my plane started to peel off the runway at RDU, I thought to myself....this is really happening....

Then when I had to duck tail to get to my connecting flight to Amsterdam and I practically ran on the plane dripping sweat, and awkwardly squeezed in between two very tall business men....I thought- this is really happening.

Finally, as I went through customs in Amsterdam and the officer spoke to me in Dutch, I thought....woah...woah...this is really happening.

I arrived in Amsterdam yesterday morning at 10:30am, (4:30am Raleigh time) and Heather picked me up at the airport.  The whole time as we were walking to the car and driving on the highway and arriving at their house I just couldn't believe that I actually went through with this.  After having grace-filled and emotional talks with Heather this morning, I just realized what a fantastic opportunity this is and what unbelievable freedom I have here.

This past year (if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know it) was difficult and pretty much sucky.  I've never experienced deep depression like that before where for a while it felt like there would be no relief.  I remember telling someone that I just want to go to sleep and wake up 3 years from now when all the pain was gone and I would feel truly alive again.
  God in His ultimate grace was by my side the whole time but it was a hard season.  I realized that I had booted my body and mind and spirit into this "survival mode" where I had to be for most of this year to get the daily tasks accomplished.  But coming here and not being around my typical environment and my typical people or language, I checked out of survival mode and am now finally having an oppurtunity to really unpack my year....which is a wonderful but sometimes painful task.

One hard relization I always have when I travel is that life doesn't stop.  I don't become a different person outside the US, me and God are on the same page as we were 72 hours ago back in Raleigh.  I can't and don't want to escape from myself in travel, I want to explore and discover new sides of Christ and myself here.  Take the time to read books and be still and quiet.  To meet new beautiful people and share life in a different culture. 

Heather gave me a good tip- to celebrate the small victories whenever you conquer something new in a new culture.
So  here are some of my victories:
I flew by myself for the first time in my life....international with multiple security check points= victory!!
Tonight Heath and I rode our bikes to the shopping center near their house= victory: I didn't get hit by a car... yay!)
I bought a shirt from H&M (nothing new there) but the lady spoke in complete Dutch (which I don't know if you've heard it but its guttural and nothing like I've ever heard before)= victory
I met some of Bella's and Heather's friends today at Bella's school= so not much of a victory but a blessing for sure.

I'm so grateful to be here and experience life here.  Its such a priveledge and I'm excited to see what God stews up this summer with relationships, revelations, and some good ole fashioned Jesus lovin'.

here are some random things about The Hague I've gathered so far:
-Lots of heathly people here = they ride their bikes everywhere! I mean everywhere...its intense but really awesome.
-I love my room at the Hancock's its so wonderful to have my own little space to relax and hang out with God. Here's a pic

It has this huge window and a door that opens and the weather is so wonderful here (60's and 70's)...I absolutely love it!

another crazy thing: it stays so light here so late! here's a pic outside my room at like 10:15pm-ish

Also the Dutch love their dogs- you'll see them carrying them in the grocery store, the cafes, the shopping centers- so funny!

So those are some small things I've noticed since being here...can't wait to share more!

God is so faithful.

"lack of confidence"

Last night I watched the movie, Eat Pray Love and I was inspired.  I was inspired not by the amazing food she ate in Italy, or the praying she did in India, or the romance she found in Bali...I was inspired by the relationships she made along the way.  After the movie I was praying about my summer; I have the priveledge of having my own mini version of eat pray love...sort of... I am going to live with some family friends for 2 months in The Netherlands, then at the end of the summer I'll spend a week with my mom and grandma in Paris, and then we'll travel down to Nice, France for a week before school starts.
As I was talking to God about my summer and all the possiblities, I got really honest and said..."I'm scared"
In that moment of honesty I felt the peace of God sweep over me as it always does and in His Fatherly manner, Christ allowed me to open my heart about this summer.  He kept on reminding me, "For I know the plans I have you for..."

Hannah and me in The Hague

Later when I was reading my bible I started 2 Timothy and I was struck by a familiar verse, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love, of self disicipline." I looked down in the notes on verse 7 to see if it would shed any light on my feelings of timidity for the summer and this is all that it said- "Appartently lack of confidence was a serious problem for Timothy."

All I could do was laugh and think, "join the club Tim"

But then I was thinking about identity and about strength in our identity, which is really strength in the Lord and intimacy with Him.  I was thinking about how that strength encourages others to be strong in their identity. This reminded me of a quote a friend gave me my senior year of high school on a mission trip in Jamaica.

 In Paris this past January

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”- Nelson Mandela 

I'm excited about my summer, I'm excited about the possibilities and relationships I'll make. I'm excited to get to know Christ better, I'm excited to be bold and independent and live out of Christ's abundance. 

What I've realized is that Christ didn't create us to be weak weirdos who don't live life.  He created us to be strong, self disciplined, and full of love.
God is good. 

unfathomable love.

I have these moments of intense emotion, where I get a glimpse of the extravagant love of our heavenly Father and it literally takes my breath away. 
My week has been stressful and I have a tendency when I feel stressed, anxious, and fearful to keep God at an arms length.  When the whole time, I know my heavenly Father is looking at me and saying, "let me love you."
Today I came back to my dorm room burned by this week, sleepless nights, crappy test grades, bad attitudes, and feelings of low value.  I layed on the floor in my dorm room and just began to call out to God.  When we allow Him, he orchestrates our time together so perfectly.  It just so happened that I was listening to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW7CD29V4tU&feature=feedrec_grec_index
and my heart began to overflow with emotion and desperation...all the feelings, time, heart ache, stress, anxiety I had been feeling all week that I had kept from Him came flooding out.  As I was listening to this song I was overwhelmed by God's grace. 
I have these moments where I realize the weight and pevertedness of my sin and how my sin peverts the name of Jesus.....but a lot of times I sit in a place of self-condemnation instead of worshiping God for his merciful grace.

I let this song rush over me and the words filled my soul.
I opened my Bible and felt the need to read Hosea, listen to the words of the Lord and reflect on His great mercy and love:

"She has not acknowleged that I was the one who gave her grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold which they used for Baal." (hosea 2:8)
"She decked herself with rings and jewelry and went after her lovers but me she forgot" declares the Lord.  "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.  There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of HOPE." (hosea 2:13-15)
"I will show my love to the one I called, 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called, 'Not my people, 'You are my people'; and they will say, 'You are my God.' (hosea 2:23)

as fallen humans we do a fantastic job of putting walls between our hearts and the Lord...whether its fear, stress, school, friends, relationships, status, body image, insecurities.... But know that your Father in Heaven is looking at you saying, "Let me love you...let me heal you...allow me to change your life"

I want more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NlJr6TE7b4&feature=player_embedded

I encourage you guys to listen to this while you read my simple thoughts...

I was at the prayer house tonight and I was just thinking about how I've lived my life....scared. Fearful of what I lack...fearful of what I could be. So this is me, stuck in this weird, awkward place where there is no movement. I think a lot of us are like that- we love God, but we're scared.

I was thinking about my heart and how my fear derives from my orphan mentality.  I think we all in a way have an orphan mentality- the fact if we have a biological father on this earth or not is not the point.  I was thinking about my fears of not being protected or guarded, my fears of being exposed- not taken care of.   Not seen as valuable or precious, treasured, or nurtured. We all have our orphan-like thoughts.

I read this in ephesians:

"For he CHOSE US in him before the creation of the world to be HOLY and BLAMELESS in his sight.  In love he predestined us to be ADOPTED as his sons(and daughters) through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has FREELY given us in the One he loves.  In him we have REPDEMPTION through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:4-8

In my Women's Studies class we are giving Identity Projects where we are required to stand in front of the class and talk about who we are....(mine is on Friday, I will post the video here on Friday!)

One of my classmates got up and talked about how he was shuffled through foster care for his entire childhood and how he never felt wanted.... my heart broke for this guy but at the same time it rejoiced that we are no longer desperate orphans who are seeking to fill their voids with anything of this world.  We are filled by the blood of Jesus! God has adopted us, we are not in foster care being tossed from adult to adult....we are chosen.  We are taken in.  We are His. Accept his grace, his mercy....accept his adoption.

A Time for Everything

In Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 it says,
"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

..."He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." chapter 3 verse 11

In my notes it states that:
Humans have little or no control over times and changes.  The eternal God sovereignly determines all of life's activities. A time means divinely appointed. Verse 11 is summarizing the chapter in saying, God's beautiful but tantalizing world is too big for us, yet its satisfactions are too small.  Since we were made for eternity, the things of time cannot fully and permanently satisfy. God's people find meaning in life when they cheerfully accept it from the hand of God.

I just read a friend's blog where she was talking about seasons and how pruning is painful and sometimes you just want to rest in comfort or happiness, but different seasons bring different emotions/situations/changes.  I just attended Campus Harvest 2011 where one of the speakers, Lynette Lewis, stated that, "When we are pruned by God, He takes things, mind sets, beliefs, people, idols and cuts them out of our lives but when that thing is cut off, multiple shoots of new growth come out."

Are you trusting in God's divine timing? Are you trusting Him through this season? Are you allowing Him to transform you and change you?  Do you believe that you were made for eternity and that this earth will never satisfy your heavenly longings?

At Campus Harvest, the theme was Transformed and they used the visual of a butterfly.  No matter what season you're in, know that if you allow Christ to transform you, that butterfly can never go back into the cocoon.  Once you allow Christ to be the Lord of your life, you'll never be the same.

some inspiring thoughts.

God inspired me to read some blogs from the Adventures in Missions site today and they were super encouraging.  There are several college age groups out in the world telling people about the love of Jesus and it seriously gets my blood pumping to hear of people my age, passionate about Christ, and passionate about reaching the nations.  The link to Adventures in Missions site is 

http://www.adventures.org/blogs/?sitetag=rl 

check out some of the blogs...they will really challenge you!

After reading some blogs I pulled tidbits that really encouraged me and challenged me.  One girl in Africa stated in her blog, " Because when I set God free, than I will be free!" I thought that was really interesting....we so often put God in our box of what he can and cannot do...and usually we derive those thoughts from our encounters with God, how great or how small.  Lately for me, I've been really seeking personal freedom from the bondage of insecurity and fear.  I realized that I've been living with these lies for so long- that I am not intelligent, that I am not athletic, that I have no value, that I will not flourish because I am not good enough....and the list goes on.  I think that if we all really try to be transparent, we can see sin patterns in our lives that lead to the lies we've been living with for some time...

God is so much bigger then our sin, he's so much more powerful then our anxiety, fear, anger, and disappointment.  I thought it was really inspiring that this girl stated in her blog, "Because when I set God free [from the box I put him in] I will be free [because I'm allowing Christ to free me].

Also I felt extremely convicted when I read a girl's blog who is serving in Thailand.  I encourage you to read the whole blog:

http://thailand.adventures.org/?filename=the-moments-in-between-ministry 

But I realized this disconnect in Bolivia last summer when our team would have days of ministry and then days of rest and on the ministry days it was like a separate life then the days we had off and I realized that was not right...everyday should be a ministry day.  At first when I think about this, I get really stressed because I think... "Oh crap, I have to do....I should do...blah blah blah" but I think the switch is when you open yourself to the Spirit.  Be willing for Christ to open up organic relationships or conversations and real breakthrough and life change can come through them!

Finally, today when I was enjoying the 80 degree weather I was reading Romans and I was struck by this verse: Romans 4:18-22 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be."  WITHOUT weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did NOT waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.  This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness." 

Wow, its crazy when you open yourself to Christ and say, "I trust you, I believe you, I have faith that you are who you say you are" We're opening the door to Christ to heal our wounds, and for breakthrough and freedom to happen.

beauty

Campus Harvest 2010 during worship

Tamara- Cochabamba, Bolivia

Zulma- Cochabamba, Bolivia

Margaret- Cochabamba, Bolivia

Kristen- Currituck, North Carolina

Virginia

Hannah enjoying her first drink on her birthday

My Dad, Ron- Washington, D.C.

My (stunning) mom, Alicia- Paris, France

Natasha praying over Cochabamba

Central Park, NYC

Colorado

 

The Cristo- Cochabamba, Bolivia

Raleigh, NC

Nassau, Bahamas

Hannah- Paris, France

Ochos Rios, Jamaica

Bald Head, NC

These are just some pictures I took of friends, family, places I've traveled...that I find beautiful.
We never really give God the praise He deserves for His beautiful Creation.

reality check.

So tonight was the Bachelor finale where Brad picked Emily, it was an exciting night for me and my friends to watch some good ole fashioned superficial television. After the three hour finale the 11 oclock news came on and images and videos of the destruction and heartbreak in Japan appeared.
Watching a mother reunite with her son for the first time after 3 days, seeing a man cry over his 35 year home reduced to rubble... I realized what a bubble I am in here in North Carolina....heck here on ECU's campus.  I think about my pain, my hurt, my struggle...the wrong that has been done to me.  Victimizing every situation so nothing is my fault.
But watching that raw pain and heart ache and natural destruction brings me to my knees.  I try to rationalize natural disasters, but there is no rationalization.  I was praying for the people of Japan and I was trying to act and speak like I would know what to do in their situation....know how to cope, know how to deal.
The only thing I can think about is praying to God saying, "You are Lord over all.....You are Lord over all....You are Lord over all."
I have a real sense of entitlement and pride....
"This would never happen to me..." runs through my mind in order to distance myself from the pain and the realness of what is happening.  It hurts too much to even watch it on TV thousands of miles away.

This is what I believe. Jesus is Lord over all... He holds all the power and strength and nothing can combat with his strength.  My problems and issues are not the only things happening in my dorm room...on the campus...in this state...in this country....in the world.  Humble yourself before the Lord, be His servant, pray and hold fast to His strength and protection.  Because at the end of the day and every moment in between the only thing we need is Jesus.

grace covers a multitude of things....

The more we see our own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God's grace appears to us." -Timothy Keller

 In my bible study we're going through this book, "Gospel in Life" by Tim Keller, its really awesome and this past lesson was on grace.  The message was- sit back, release, surrender and allow the most amazing gift ever bless you and radically change your life...Why have I never given grace much thought?  Why do I think my control and anxiety is better suited for life's troubles then God's grace? 

I was challenged last weekend when a friend said, "do you think the blood of Christ is big enough to cover your sin?"  Woah- straight to my face, her boldness exposed my sin...I had to really evaluate,  and that's when I realized that I had no understanding of grace, forgiveness and rest. 

 Tim Keller encourages the readers to repent of specific sin patterns in our lives and ask the Lord to wash His grace over us, to help allow the Gospel to change us, to renew our minds and change our day to day living...ultimately change our hearts.

My deep desire is to feel at home and comfortable with myself....sounds kind of strange.  But no matter where I am in the world, no matter what is falling apart in my life or the lives of others- I want to be secure ultimately in Christ and in myself.  I'm freaking frustrated to be honest...This battle of identity and low self worth has ruled my life forever.  God has recently exposed this sin in my heart and its been a painful and long process of weeding out these lies.  Before I wrote this post I had a mini breakdown of frustrated tears-  and the Lord gently whispered...."You're not alone.  You are safe with me.  I love you, my grace covers you."

Even in my temper-tantrums, even in my weakness, fear, anger, disappointments, day to day life- God's grace is over me.  It covers me and wraps around me tight, it speaks truth into my emotional and chaotic moments.  

God's love is there in every moment- giving grace to our brokenness.  Thank you Lord.

 

you are not alone.

What a powerful phrase....you are not alone.
This past week through therapy, prayer, and meditation in the Word I realized I have this deep fear of abandonment.  I feel alone a lot of the time (don't we all).  I realized that through the pain I feel from my parents divorce, I feel abandoned.  My parents both make an effort and neither of them have walked out of my life by any means, I still have a great relationship with both of them.
But in my spirit, the emotional and physical act of my parents splitting up and my family separating- hurt me in such a deep way, I don't think I can explain it fully on a blog or even if I know the capacity of pain I feel.
I realized that I also draw connections between my God and my relationships on earth.  I have this notion that God will not protect me, that he hasn't been here through all this pain, and that He has abandoned me.
Two weekends ago it was prophesied over me that God was going to completely reconstruct the way I think about Him- through his Word and letting that really change my heart, instead of it going in one ear and out the other.

This life is process- the love of God is complex.  I think that we simplify Him to meet our standards and then we're disappointed in Him because when real shit hits the fan we think He's not there.  I believe that a relationship is complex and beautiful and multi-layered and real.  Its not religion, its a relationship.  You spend time talking, you go on adventures together, you mark specific time to rest together, you set aside time to listen to music together, ( for me specifically) I set aside time to paint and draw and worship with God.  Its time....
My sociology teacher was talking about how if we simplify our lives- its simplified just down to time.  That our lives are made of decisions and events and moments that happen in time- when you're born, going through school, finding a partner, marriage, children, sex, laughter, crying, depression- everything is encompassed in time.
What are we doing with our lives if all of our time is not dedicated to the Lord? He created us, not for us to be lords of our own lives- but He knows (much better then we do) that when we surrender everything to Him, that He gives freedom, full life.

I don't mean to preach or sound like I have all these tasks or thoughts put together and that I live them out everyday... Simply writing this blog convicts me- but we need to stop being walking insomniacs and really dedicate our time, our thoughts, our prayers to the Lord.  He's all we got- everything.  Everything could potentially fall away, could you survive on what you're investing your time in now?

why fear?

Over break my mom, sister, and I traveled overseas and spent some time in London, The Netherlands, and Paris.  I saw this time as a time of restoration and just a vacation from life.  Honestly, I was planning on a vacation from God too.  But the second I got off the plane I knew God was working on me with identity again.
Identity has been a painful lesson over the past year.  In Bolivia God did some healing of some deep wounds I had acquired over my 19 years in the identity category.  I thought I was done when I got back into the States but much to my knowing, you're never done being edified, healed, and restored (and thank God for it!)
God in His infinite mercy and grace revealed to me in Europe that fear has been a stronghold in my life, since I was born.  I honestly think that was the darkness I was born into.  Fear has played so much in my life and its honestly overwhelming to think about all the areas it invades.
For example, I never did the typical high school/college sin- drink excessively, have sex, do drugs....because I was too insecure and fearful I would do something wrong, make a fool of myself, or not be accepted.  I believed in all my relationships with guys that I wasn't good enough and I was so fearful that they wouldn't see value in me- these poor high school guys that I put so much pressure on to fill my intense voids.  
That is a small list of the way fear has dictated my life for so long.  Just recently I've experienced fear on a spiritual level, recognizing spiritual warfare and thats where I hit my limit.
I realized through coming to know Christ better and being opened to a new spiritual realm that I'm not suppose to live in this constant fear.  Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of someone looking at me and saying- you're just not good enough, fear of being a mistake, fear of disappointing God, fear that I will live a perfectly simple and safe life because I was too scared to take risks.
As you can see, God has been revealing so much to me about this fear and I'm DONE!  I've talked to a lot of friends and family and I've gotten prayer.  I've seeked in the Word and it plainly says: "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity or fear, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE." (2 Tim 1:7) and sometimes I get overwhelmed with this and think okay what do I have to do in order to not live a life dictated by fear?  I can't do anything, but I need to trust God and depend on Him to mold me, shape me, help me to let go of this fear I've been living in and to make me into the person He created me to be.  
As for fear this is no reason for it- Man may take my life, but they can't take my soul or salvation and satan has no hold on me, because he is of darkness and I'm a child of Christ- and the light God's given me shines out all darkness.

"because God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence, "This Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6

I've decided to make 2011 a year of freedom...this is a picture in London, this is how I always want to live my life- in complete surrender.