My Father's heart.

We sang this song at the ministry at school and the lyrics radiated in my mind.  I'm a sucker for a good Christmas song but this is what I'm going to be singing when I praise my Father in heaven this Christmas.


here are the lyrics:


When the walls close in around me
Let Your glory light the darkness of my night
When the suffering's all that I see
May I walk with You by faith and not by sight

On the throne of sweet surrender
I have nothing but to offer You my life
Greater love I have not found it
Oh by mercy You have eased this troubled mind
Open hearted I will search and I will find

Whoa
Sin is broken
The lost now chosen
The Father's heart

Humble king You go before me
By Your grace I stand for everything that's true
Through Your Son I am made worthy
There's no other who can love me like You do
And forever I keep running back to You

Sin is broken
The lost now chosen
The father's heart



Father's Heart- Hillsong

Do you like me? check yes or no.

My life, has been blessed, crazy, stressful, beautiful, one huge learning experience...my experience with the opposite sex has been limited and somewhat hurtful but God has captured my heart and is teaching me a lot about these specimens called boys and the way our God loves his daughters.

The ministry I go to at East Carolina had this great message last week- the moral of the message: God likes you.  Jesus likes you.  I giggled in my head- hahahah what? It baffled me to think that Jesus likes me.  I hear, I sing, I know (in my brain) that Jesus loves me.  God loves me.  Its almost as if we've become numb to the fact that Jesus loves us because we hear it...a lot.  But an important aspect of the gospel that so many of us miss is that Jesus likes us.  The speaker talked about when the woman was caught to in the act of adultery and brought to Jesus.  He commanded the Pharisees to cast the first stone if they've never sinned.  After I was thinking about this- Jesus never sinned, so technically he could have cast that stone but he didn't.  He liked that woman, He loved her.

I've always struggled with identity issues and insecurities.  The Lord revealed to me that a lie that I've grown up believing is- I am not worth it.  I have something wrong with me and I can't do anything right. What a lie from the enemy.  I've been trying to identify these places in my heart where I believe this lie and really surrender it to the Lord.  I remember in elementary school writing on a sheet of paper asking if this boy- David- liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend (I'm sure now they text each other in elementary school) but the little boy looked at me and said no.
I grew up thinking that I wasn't worthy of that little boy saying yes and that played into every other relationship that I've had.  Thats why in high school I never had a 'real boyfriend' just one guy who I fooled around with....and in middle school I believed that where I lived and how I dressed determined that I wasn't good enough for the boys.
I realized in Bolivia this summer when I shared my testimony with our group that I was still carrying a lot of hurt and wounds from those silly boys who told me 'no' and I believed that was who I was- the girl that wasn't worthy of being loved....or even liked.

So when I heard this message that hey- Jesus likes you.  That he would and does everyday check 'yes' on that sheet of paper asking if he likes us and if he'll spend eternity with me...  That he was embarrassed, beaten to a pulp, emotional and physically wounded on this earth- because he likes me.
Wow.

Isn't that what we're all searching for?  I can specifically identify certain things I did in high school in order for people to like me.  I changed the way I dressed, I said offensive and rude things, I made fun of and laughed at people- just so some girl or boy would look at me and say- yes....I accept you.

Jesus accepts you.  He doesn't love you like a distant relative that only wants to see you in a stuffy church singing boring hymns.  He looks at the way you laugh, the way you cry, your body posture, your weird quirks, the crazy dancing you do when your door is locked and you just feel like it.....He likes that about you- He likes your mind, the way you think and speak, the way you use your hands when you talk.  You are not only loved...but liked.

At that meeting the speaker played a song and told us to ask God what He thinks about us-  I closed my eyes and asked Him to give me a vision of the way He thinks about me.  This is what I saw:
I was standing in a crowded room, in the back.  Everyone else was out shining me in their beauty, humor, intelligence and I was small in comparison to them.  I felt unseen, undervalued, and alone.  Then Jesus got on stage and pointed directly at me.  The crowd separated and I walked to the front.  He said- I see you, I value you, I like you, I choose you.

empowered by the Word.

First off let me say, God is awesome.  I haven't felt very driven to post lately but I've been going through some trials, but God is rocking my world.  I've been struggling with anxiety lately but the lessons that God has taught me through this time are unbelievable.
Here's some truth: God wants to help you and take your burdens wherever you are in your faith and life.  You're NOT alone! Jesus understands what we are going through- he was tempted but here's the cool thing about Jesus- he has already defeated all those struggles and he promises us victory through Him! He is bigger then fear, anxiety, depression, divorce, hard times, brokenness, lust, abuse, whatever- our God is bigger and He wants to equip you with the armor for protection.

Through these hard times God has been teaching me about the armor of Christ and what I should be rooted in.  Something that really stuck with me is that our feet are suppose to be rooted in the peace of the Word.  In Psalm 34 we are told to, "seek peace and pursue it" and that has been my mantra lately.  God gives us the word to use to empower us and to firmly stand on when the enemy tries to throw lies our way.

Some verses that I've been standing on is- 1 Peter 5:10 (the Message) "So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever.  It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ will have you put together and on your feet for good.  He gets the last word and He always will."
and Romans 8:31- What, the, shall we say in response to this? IF OUR GOD IS FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?!"

Christ loves us, not in some high school hot pink dramatic love that flees when times get hard- kind of way.  He loves us with depth and soul and it can look rough around the edges and passionate and jealous-  But he promises us so many things:
That He'll never leave or forsake me- Hebrews 13:5
That His grace is sufficient for us and our weakness is made perfect in his strength- 2 Corinthians 12:9
We are more then conquerors through him who loves us- Romans 8:37


So take heart beautiful brothers and sisters- God loves you and he sees your heart and your struggles.  He wants you to cast your burdens and anxiety on Him.  He cares for you, He likes you, He loves you.

His strength, not our own.

  This week has been one of the hardest of my life.  My suppressed emotions came up violently and took it out on my body and my spirit, on top of the devil taking the opportunity to kick me while I'm down.  Sunday night I felt anxiety overwhelm me in a way it never has before.  Then I became fearful and fear tormented me all night.  I woke up Monday morning bruised and beaten and upset.  I heard the Lord say- call on your sisters, I put them in your life to help you.  I immediately called my mom and then my sister, asking them to be warriors for me and pray against the tricks of the evil one and to calm my distressed heart.  My mom said, get out of your room and look at the sky and feel the breeze and call on God, listen to Him- He wants to talk to you.
I took her advice and went outside and God gave me Psalm 34:4, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."  For the rest of Monday I had continuous breakdown after breakdown.  I called my friend from home, and being the selfless saint that she is, she drove up and spent the night with me at my sister's house.  That night, my sister and my friend Kristen were praying for me, and Kristen gave me the advice, to rely on my community and to rely on the sisters around me to fight for me right now when I can't fight for myself.  I couldn't sleep and I wasn't eating, I was in no spiritual or physical state to try to fight for anything.  I went to therapy on Tuesday morning and my therapist and I discovered that I am dealing with the mourning of my parent's divorce.  This past week it hit me in a real way, realizing that my mom and dad will never get back together again.
I recently watched "Its Complicated" and the scene where the kids walked in on their divorced parents in a room together and the dad saying, "your mother and I have been seeing  each other and I'm still in love with her" and the dad expecting the kids to be thrilled, they started crying.  The dad was shocked by their reaction and he asked why they weren't happy and the kids said-  "we're still not over your divorce." 
I just feel like everything is too much too soon.  And these emotions and hurts and pains rushed back hard and it hit my body physically in the form of a panic attack, insomnia, and fatigue.

This is what I've realized this week- I'm broken.  But God can take care of me and my hurts and pains.  I can rely on Him and His strength to fight the evil one. I got this vision two nights ago, before I fell asleep- of me in God's arms and He is cradling me; satan and his demons are trying to get to me, but God has me and in one fatal swoop, God crushed all the demons and their lies- and I was delivered- just like Psalm 34 said, He will deliver me.

I'm currently struggling from depression and anxiety.  But I'm calling on God for His strength, His power, His protection, His endurance.  Its time for me to stop trying to handle things on my own, its time to stop relying on my own strength to cast out evil things, its time to stop acting like I can handle my parents' divorce.

God will redeem me. I will be set free, I will be delivered.
Currently- God is walking with me in His arms, my arms wrapped around Him, my head cradled in the crook of His neck.  I breathe in and smell his Fatherly aroma and I am at peace.
My God is stronger then death, He is life.

His ways are not ours.

I've had awesome opportunities to share with people (specifically women) my revelation about God and his eternal never ending pursuing love.  Every time that I shared this find with someone, they totally connected to the thought of us chasing after something or someone and we feel as if no one is chasing after us.  Instilling the lie that the enemy places in our hearts from a young age that we are worthless and no one would ever want us.
   I was talking with my friend last night who has been struggling with an ex and how she keeps on pursuing a relationship because she desires that immediate satisfaction.  When she said that, it clicked. Immediate, fast, now, no waiting, no patience, that is what our society our world tells us.  That things need to happen fast or they're not worth it.  If we're alone, find someone fast...

God's timing isn't our timing....His ways are not our ways....

That thought echoes through my head, His ways are not my ways.  God is not a college student at ECU studying art who likes to watch 90210... God is not me, He created me, but He is above me! Sometimes I just think that God thinks the same way that I think and so I'm dumbfounded when His plans are not my plans.... ridiculous!
As a society we're told that everything needs to be fast, go, don't stop.  And if you pause for a second and rest- you're lazy, you need a job, you're alone.  What a lie! This summer in Bolivia the first two weeks our host didn't have that much ministry set up for us and so we had 5+ hours of free time, doing absolutely nothing.  The first week, we were all about to crawl out of our skin, we were cleaning, talking, playing games, going into town- doing absolutely everything we could to pass the time.  But the second week, we saw what God was doing.  He was creating time for us to spend with Him, time for us to rest in His presence to prepare us for our ministry to come in the following weeks.  I learned some valuable lessons and had some pretty intense revelations when I was quiet and sat in the presence of God.  Those lessons were needed in order to be His servant in the following weeks.

People- God has a plan.  He is working out everything for the good of his people.  He loves you and He is going to bless you.  He is not trying to screw with your plans- but its a good chance that they're not the same- but PRAISE GOD!
 If I had followed my plans from high school, I would be smoking pot at App State, gushing over this guy from high school who is dating one of my friends.  Praise the Lord that he captured my heart and had His own plans for my life!
Rest in His presence, take time- relax...God's got you.

wow...

So I'm laying in bed, just talking to God and having a real conversation and it started out like this....
me: "God you see my heart and you know my desires, I desire a relationship and intimacy with a man...a partner who loves me and wants me."
God: "I know my child be patient..."
And the conversation went on....but then I was talking about how I constantly feel that when I'm attracted to a guy, they're typically attracted to someone else.  My track record in high school isn't too great and now I'm struggling with that...yet again.
I was about to say to God, "I feel like Julia Roberts in my best friend's wedding....I'm chasing after the person who is chasing after their love and no one is chasing me."
and God totally said- Don't you think thats how I always am?
wow.
God is constantly pursuing us, even when we are chasing after things that aren't gratifying, redeeming, or satisfying like His love.
But unlike me or Julia Roberts....God doesn't give up.  He doesn't stop and say well he's just not right, I'll move on.  He pursues us and captures our hearts.
What a wonderful revelation, full of perspective about relationships and the intimacy we can have from our relationship with God.

Freedom.

Lately I've been having much needed breakthrough and revelations about God and His intoxicating love.  Things have been clicking, with my devotions, my thoughts, my therapy...its all coming together and God's truths are starting to be engraved on my heart.
I was talking to my dad recently that Jesus didn't come to condemn the world- he didn't come to tell the world they sucked, but He came to SAVE, to set FREE, to LOVE!  I was saying these things to my dad, but wasn't really believing them in my heart. I know these are truths, but I didn't feel it in my bones- it didn't shatter my life and make my stomach flip....until this week.
I was sitting in therapy and for a while now, my therapist has encouraged me to 'just be'.  I had first heard that phrase in Bolivia this summer when I would share my identity struggles with my sisters and they would encourage me to 'just be'. It sounds so simple, like the statement, "just be yourself"....who thought that would be so hard? But my friend Emily in Bolivia gave me this simple advice that clicked this week....she said, "don't try to be anything or anyone else, and you'll be yourself.  Settle for being nothing..."
This week I realized the best ministry that we could EVER do for the kingdom of God is being ourselves.  There is so much freedom in being who you are and how you feel.  Being present in the moment,  feeling clarity in your feelings and emotions.  Which for me is allowing myself to feel deeply and to feel the things I feel.  At the beginning of this school year I would find myself hysterically crying for no apparent reason and instead of being in the moment and letting myself cry, I criticized myself... telling myself- you shouldn't be crying, stop being so emotional, its too much.
One of the enemy's best tactics is whispering lies in our heads saying, "Rachel you should be a better person....Rachel you should go to church or your ministry more.....Rachel you shouldn't cuss....Rachel you should be more supportive."  But instead of focusing on God and his wonderful love, I've been focusing on myself and all my downfalls.
But here's some truth- We are made NEW in Christ...every single day we wake up and breathe.  God promises us that in His word.  I was under the impression that I was made new when I decided to live for Christ and got saved, but isn't it a daily decision to walk with Christ? Isn't it a daily decision to look for the holy and sacred moments? Isn't it a daily decision to seek intimacy with our Creator?  Everyday where start fresh, start new....
So take heart my friends! You're free- to be yourself! With no condemnation, feel how you feel! Be sad, be happy, laugh hysterically, cry until your head aches..live in the moment!
Walk in Freedom.

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." Galatians 5:1 The Message

body image.

Body image. So lately I've been watching 90210, starting with season 1 working my way up.  I've caught myself looking at these girls bodies and asking God the same thing I did in middle and high school- why does my body not look that way?  Why couldn't you've made me that way? Why am I shaped the way that I am?  Why am I never satisfied...

I am also doing a devotional every morning called, Daily steps for God Chicks....the author challenged us to stop hating what we see in the mirror....and our daily step for the day was to look at ourselves and tell ourselves that we're beautiful, when I did this I got extremely emotional- looking myself square in the face and saying- you are a beloved daughter of Christ, He created your body specifically the way it is, You, Rachel, are no mistake....You are stunning and magnificent.

A thought just crossed my mind.  God is the creator of everything, and I believe and know that He created all of us specifically and He made no mistakes.  I think about when I make things, when I draw a piece, or paint on a canvas, or make a ring band out of brass, or etch a zinc plate and print it....I am proud and empowered by the fact that my hands and my heart made something.  I love whatever I made and I call it my own.

God does the same with us, He created us.  He made no mistakes, every part of our bodies and the way its shaped is purposeful and has significance.  I wonder how much it hurts God, when I look at myself in the mirror and am horrified.  How I critique my body in my head and physically manipulate my stomach in hopes that one day it will acutally lay flat.
My insides cringe at the thought of someone extremely intimately close to me, like my mom or my best friend- looking at one of my pieces of art work, something that I would classify as a masterpiece....and taking it and trying to change it.  Saying how its not good enough and they wished it looked like another one of my pieces or someone else's work.  It makes me sick, and all today I did these things.

God is such a beautiful artist, His work is breathe-taking....why do you think people try to capture images of landscapes or paint the delicacies of a woman's face.... God created all of that.  He is awesome and we critique him.  We covet other people's abilities, looks, styles.  That has to make God's insides cringe and his heart ache.

If anybody is reading this, then lets try something new this week....whenever we feel the enemy is creeping in and yelling lies into our heads saying- you're too fat, you need new clothes, you're a disappointment, your body is disgusting, count your calories and work out- then you'll feel more whole and your life will be better.... lets walk in the authority that Christ gave us to trample on snakes and throw out lies, lets think about God and his creation and worship him for every detail we usually pick at.

idols

The past two weeks the ministry I am involved in at ECU has done a series about Idols.  Both weeks have been super powerful and completely relevant to everyone's faith walk.  We all have idols, whether its something  like making your boyfriend your god or worrying about a test and not trusting God, they are all idols and we put things before God.
Last night the speaker talked about how one of the biggest and most common idol- is ourself.  Which is so freaking true.  We do things to get something for ourself.  We go to church, we get involved to get things out of it...for ourself.  This summer I found myself serving these orphans because I liked the way it felt to get attention from the kids, to get recognition from my teammates, to get pictures for my facebook album.  God  is so much bigger then us, His plan is so much greater then us.  We are so selfish in our motives and we idolize ourselves and our needs before the desires of God's heart and his plan.  We try to control God, tell him what the plan should be and when something goes wrong we get angry at God....
I find this in myself, in my day to day living...not trusting God and realizing that the course of my life is not what I planned.  I didn't plan for my parents to get a divorce.  I did not plan for my parents to be dating other people, I did not plan having to love more people and having two separate families. I did not plan that I would have to split up holidays and then get blamed with I didn't separate the time perfectly... I try to control, I try to manipulate...I'm looking out for me and my wants and how I want things to flow.
But God is bigger then me.  My God is bigger then lying, pain, wounds, disease, insecurities, anger, depression...My God  is bigger.
My God calls me to trust him, to cast my burdens on Him...He is a gentle and loving God. and we give Him this persona as this God who has abandoned us.  Guess who has put that thought in our minds? The enemy.  He creeps in and tells us that we're alone, that no one feels the way that we feel.  That isolation is the better option then talking to our community or even God.  The enemy makes us question where God is and if God even cares.

But here is some truth, because this past week for me has been hell, and when I've been hysterically sobbing in my car, calling out to God (literally) asking Him- where are you? Why am I so alone? Why don't you care?

This is what we MUST stand on:
Our God is greater then my understanding.
Our God calls us worthy and he sacrificed EVERYTHING so that we will never be alone.
Our God is sufficient, and us trying to control and manipulate will never satisfy us...we are not that good.
Our God loves unconditionally, despite our selfishness....He is there.
Our God desires you to be whole, and He is the only one that can make you that way.

I'm in need of some breakthrough...

I'm currently listening to the song, He Will Come By: Enter the Worship Circle and these lyrics resonate in my mind:

"Wait child, I'm in love with you
Its a solemn vow
I'll come back for you."

Sometimes I feel alone and just plain, dumb.  I don't know if there is any other word then dumb, which is so childish and immature.  I feel like I can do nothing right, I have judgmental eyes and a judgmental heart and I look at Christ's children with disgust rather then love and compassion.
I put other things above God, even things I hate like homework and gossip with friends.
So many things in this world seem dirty- like comparing your body to other girls on campus, like gossiping about a friend, thinking hateful and angry thoughts...etc.
But I feel like these dirty things are consuming my life.
Last night I was with some good friends and we sat around eating ice cream talking about a friend's ex-boyfriend....and somehow I justified it in my head.  I walked around campus with my size 8 jeans on and I was mortified I had to unbutton the top button and the whole time I was coveting other girls body shapes... I just sat in the dining hall and judged most of the people that I walked past.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?!!

I'm done with my heart being like this....I'm done-

Lord, Take these evil thoughts.
Lord, take the wickedness from my heart and my soul.  Rip out the sin and darkness in my heart, even if it hurts I don't want it anymore.
I want to love people and love you and somehow I get in the way of that every single day.
Lord, I am so imperfect and broken and ugly and I have this lack of faith that you can't redeem me from this...or you don't even want me anymore.
I feel like a failure at everything Lord.  Speak truth into my heart and cleanse me Father.
God, I can't do this anymore, I can't keep on putting up these walls and fronts that I have it all together.
Dad, please...help me.  Hold my hand and guide me. I love you and I want to serve you.
Humble me daddy....I need you. I can't do this on my own.
I love you, help me.
rachel

empower

This weekend I had the privilege of hanging out with my friend....we painted and listened to worship music and it was peaceful. I loved it.   As I was painting I realized...art understands me.  I told my friend this, which sounded dorky and dramatic when it came out, but it really does.  It calms me down, its creation, its gratifying, its beautiful, its empowering.  Whenever I feel upset or unworthy or overwhelmed, there is something about sitting in front of a canvas, a sketchbook, or in a metals studio cutting copper or in a printmaking studio etching a zinc plate- its beauty.

My mom has this pin that says, "Art saves me"... and I don't know if I completely say I agree with it... but I do believe that Christ used art to captivate me, to romance me, to make me fall in love with Him.

  

Humility...

Humbly approaching the cross is something that has been on my mind lately.  This weekend I finished Galations and read Ephesians....both have amazing lessons about being crucified with Christ and its not us living, but Christ living in us... being rooted in Christ's love and approaching Him with peace and confidence....
Lately I've been struggling with deep sadness and just feeling alone.  My parents are recently divorced, both currently in serious relationships and I find myself lying awake at night thinking....2 years ago I was a senior in high school, I was happy, (I thought) my parents were happy, and now my life is completely different... Although when I first found out my parents were getting a divorce I was in this place of complete shock and insecurity.  Christ totally met me there and saved me...and I am now- forever His.
But lately I've been struggling with juggling my parents significant others...I  have this fear that I'm not good enough for them- but I keep on putting on this face that their boyfriend/girlfriend needs to prove themselves to me- Its exhausting and fake and I hate it.  I hate the judgement that I have in my heart, I hate the anger I still feel towards my parents...I hate the deep rooted pain I feel in my heart that  too scared to uncover, too scared to unfold- for fear that it will overwhelm me and if I try to remove it I will be removing a part of me.  I've felt lately just going to class and hanging out with friends and acting like being in the United States is good enough for me...that my parents are okay....that I'm doing great and that I love being in college and that everything is okay...its a lie and I'm exhausted.
 I listened to a pod-cast of a sermon given at my church this past weekend about trusting God.  The man that gave this sermon is blind and has a degenerative disease that has taken his sight over the course of his life.  He challenged the congregation to stop wallowing in their trials and struggles and look at them as blessings...search for what God is teaching you through that hard time and praise God.
He made a really cool comment, he said, "God doesn't show us our whole path for life, He takes us step by step because He wants to be in relationship with us and honestly- if we knew the path God is going lead us on then we wouldn't need him..."
The fact of needing God is something I always "knew was the right thing to feel"....we need God- duhh you hear that all the time...  But how often have I lived my life in surrender, in complete humility where I am constantly on my knees relying on God's strength...on His timing...on His understanding...on His peace.
I wish I could say that I'm at this place where I'm in complete surrender in front of my Savior.  But I am slowly opening up my hands and allowing my Father to take my burdens, my pain, my anger, my brokeness...
Praise God that He desires to heal us and make us whole again.  Praise Him for giving us everything- His Son who is victorious over all the pain and depression we feel.  Jesus has already defeated those things and the Lord will bring me through, in His timing...I just need to trust.

This is Me...starting a new season.

    I'm hoping that this experience is a freeing one...this summer I went on a two month mission trip to Cochabamba, Bolivia with 7 other amazing girls.  I went through Adventures in Missions and we were required to write at least one blog a week and I was really excited about that opportunity because I love to talk and especially hash out my feelings about what Christ is teaching me.
   Coming back to the States after living in a foreign country I was warned will be 'one of the toughest things I've ever faced...'  This statement has proven true, but looking back over these past 2 years of my life and the struggles my family has gone through, this transition is seeming small in comparison to those struggles.
   In Bolivia I wrote about the main thing Christ taught me that week and I'm hoping to do the same for this blog.  My hope (and maybe this is a naive thought) is that this blog can be an encouragement to someone out there...  That although we face struggles and pain- that Christ is sovereign, and we are His children.  He created us and He loves us...He sees our heart and our pain and His unconditional love covers a multitude of things.






"We can now say with confidence: The Lord is my helper...I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:6